A baby? What to do?
by Lightning Ougi
Summary: [One shotish] Due to those inexplicable forces that sometimes plague their world, Kisame and Itachi find themselves with a baby. Their baby. Question is, how to get rid of it?


It was an assbaby.

Or at least, that's what those things were commonly called. The result of mixing genes from two males, whether it came out of anyone's anus or not, they were commonly called 'assbabies'.

No one really knew how they ended up existing. But recently, they had started appearing. Sometimes in a slow pregnancy mimicking a real one. Sometimes a man's belly would suddenly swell and he'd burst into a life threatening 'labour'. And sometimes, they just _appeared_.

Luckily for Kisame, this was the type of baby who just randomly appeared. He woke up in the Akatsuki base and the baby was right there, at the foot of his bed.

It didn't look like most assbabies he had heard of. It was a squirming, wrinkled thing, its tiny eyes squeezed shut. Its head looked obese, with rolls of fat under its chin, and the chubbiest fingers. But it was small, and so pathetic looking.

Most of the little babies like it were adorable, energetic things, eyes wide and bright, crawling, cooing and later, pooping all over the place.

This little blue skinned, gilled infant barely moved. It just occasionally waved its arms in a sort of agitation and kicked its tiny feet.

And, although it pained the Akatsuki member to admit it, it was kind of endearing.

A tuft of black hair sprouted from its scalp, the only hint to whom the other gene donor might be.

It narrowed things down to either Kakuzu or Itachi. No, Kisame had not slept with either of them. And Kisame did know a few more people with black hair, but the usual patterns of assbabies were that it came from someone you were affiliated with recently. So it could have actually been Zabuza as well, even though Kisame shuddered in the thought of so much as touching his old comrade. But all in all, it didn't matter much. When the Akatsuki members were gathered (Or at least, the ones in the closest vicinity), the debate wasn't to who pays child support or any of that tripe.

It was how to get rid of the baby.

Usually when you got one, you could just dump it off to the nearest adoption agency, or leave it in front of some Buddhist temple, and it'd be taken care of. After all, in these days, extra members of the population were wanted. However, there was a factor in the issue that complicated that.

"Well..." The blond nukenin from Stone country lifted one of the infant's eyelids and examined the irises, "It has a very dark iris. Not like Kakuzu's, not like yours, Kisame. If I had to guess, I'd say Itachi provided the second set of genes, un."

"Itachi-san's a daddy!" The younger nin in an orange swirled mask declared, thrusting a fist into the air. Tobi obviously understood the situation, but the kid loved mocking everyone. Everyone from his partner, to Kisame's own, who happened to be standing right behind Tobi.

But Itachi did not look annoyed. In fact, he looked rather mechanical.

"So it has Uchiha genes." The jet haired Akatsuki member remarked, coolly.

"That's what I'm saying." Deidara lifted the infant by its leg, hoisting it up. "Oh. It has a birthmark on its butt. Appropriate for an assbaby, un."

Of course Deidara could laugh at the situation now. He'd never had something like this happen to him. It flustered Kisame, though, that everyone referred to the baby as an it. The babe was completely bare, and everyone could see it was a he.

"Stop holding him like that." Kisame protested. "Haven't you ever seen how you're supposed to hold babies?"

"Please, Hoshigaki." Sneering as usual, Deidara set the infant back on the bed sheets, "Like this thing is gonna live much longer. Itachi's not going to let it."

The focus in the room was shifted over to the waiting Uchiha. Feeling the gazes on him, he gave a slight snort. "Yes." He nodded. "Dispose of it."

Even Tobi found no reason to question him. After all, he had already killed off his entire clan and it was the event that made his name. Why wouldn't he want to execute anyone else with Uchiha genes? It wasn't as if he wanted this offspring.

"So we can't disown it?" The fish-like Akatsuki questioned, trying not so sound as suddenly disheartened as he was feeling.

"No." His partner answered. "We won't." He said 'we' as if it bothered him.

Chiming in suddenly, Deidara grabbed the infant by the leg again, and swung it like it was a handbag. "Let's feed it to Zetsu, then, at least then its protein will be useful in some way, un!"

In a sadistic merriment, Tobi sprang up, eager to see what sort of carnage such a feeding would involve.

Kisame clicked his teeth in irritation. Itachi saw through his trick. It was obvious those Sharingan eyes of his would.

"Deidara, that is not the baby. Kisame has the baby." The Uchiha remarked, staring at his partner. The expression on Itachi's face... Kisame knew the man well enough to be able to judge what he might have been feeling. Right now the subtle expressions pointed at confusion.

The blond stopped in his tracks, and the image of the infant dissolved into water. Inside Kisame's thick Akatsuki cloak, the child in question rested. A simple replacement technique.

"Geez, Kisame..." Deidara waved his hand, and then wiped it on his cloak to dry it, "What's your problem? When Hidan and Kakuzu got one of these things—"

"And Hidan was lucky he is immortal, otherwise Kakuzu said he might have bled to death in a very unattractive way." Tobi quickly interjected, before Deidara cuffed him hard to quiet him.

"Anyways, Kakuzu just ganked out its heart, and boom!-"

"Katsu!" Deidara's partner chirped, provoking another blow from the Stone country nin.

"Yeah. Boom, and their problem's solved, un." Deidara finally finished while the boy in the swirl mask rubbed his head.

"Well excuse me for retaining shreds of my humanity." The taller Akatsuki member placed the infant back on his bed, trying his best to look detached. "It's just a baby. There's no point in killing some baby."

Deidara seemed to be fighting his own amusement. "Oh, really? Then how are you going to get rid of it?"

"Well..." Kisame clicked his teeth together once more, "I heard that someone... It might have been Copy Nin Kakashi, I don't really remember, anyways, they managed to... talk the baby away." He could--and should--have expected the incredulous looks on their faces. Of course it sounded stupid. "No, out of frustration he started telling the baby why it shouldn't exist, and you know what happens sometimes when you start trying to make sense of things, they return to normal!"

No one really knew what caused these events, the assbabies, the odd sexual dreams, the sudden appearance of dead people, the hallucinations that you're in something called a 'High School'. They just called them 'those forces'. But one thing was certain, if you starting fighting things, such as the hallucinations, they would stop. You could stop them.

"So you're going to make the baby just go away?" Tobi leaned up against the side of the bed, presumably watching the little center of the issue. "I want to watch."

Narrowing his eyes, half in concentration, half in annoyance, the blue skinned Akatsuki member looked around at both Deidara and Itachi. Mostly Itachi. But the Uchiha, who often trusted his judgement, seemed momentarily pacified. Good. That was his go-ahead.

He never really wanted kids. It was partly the reason why he never wanted to get married. In his country, Mist, it was an unwritten law that you had a child if you got married. The government was hoping you'd have a lot. So if he were to ever take on a wife, unlikely back then, unimaginable now, she'd want kids. The very idea of having progeny was kind of frightening to him. Kids that would most definitely think of you when you were dead. Look up to you, try to match you, or in Itachi's case, maybe even murder you.

But now, thanks to 'those forces', he had progeny which were also Itachi's.

And he definitely wanted them gone. But not... dead.

"You, little assbaby." He finally spoke up. The infant gave a small squeaking noise, and curled his fingers.

"You do not... belong here. I am not a woman. Itachi is not a woman. There was no way you were born. Neither of us has a womb. Hell, neither of us has a vagina. You weren't born."

The fat little boy flopped his arms a bit. Obviously still there.

The clicking of his teeth was becoming a norm.

"Look, we are both criminals, Itachi and I. We've never even done anything with each other. We never are going to."

The statement brought snickers from both Deidara and Tobi.

"Assbaby. You don't belong in this world. Because of your genes, no one will like you. They'll look down at you. The ass child of two murders. Hell, no, kid, you won't be able to grow up. You'll be cannibalized. Go back where you came from. You don't exist."

The masked nin lifted his head. There was nothing on the bed, merely a soft pushed down space in the sheets. Whatever had been there was gone.

It had worked.

"Well..." The blond behind him cleared his throat, "Looks like Zetsu will have to scrounge for something to eat, then. Come on, Tobi."

Now that the interesting part had finished, Deidara and Tobi left without much talking involved, drifting off to find some other think to pester.

As for his partner, Itachi seemed mildly amused. Sadly, the momentary peace was quickly, quickly broken.

While the infant had come during the night, silently, the other intruder came with a brilliant flash of light, and a muffled explosion. This intruder... Her hair was long and black, with streaks of blue. She wore forehead protectors, two, with Mist and Leaf insignias. Her skin was pale like Itachi's and her eyes were flaring with evident Sharingan. Gills fluttered below her eyes, and that was enough to cement her identity.

"Itachi-kaa-san! Kisame-kaa-san!" She shrieked, showing the sharp teeth, the traditional trait of Kirigakure.

Both of the remaining Shinobi acted at once, in a brilliant, seamless motion.

Ripping of the bandages at the tip of his sword, Kisame then swung Samehada, catching this girl in the chest, draining her chakra in an instant. Itachi, obviously with the same mindset, caught her in the back of the neck with a kunai. Not too bloody, but this intruder was sufficiently dead.

Her corpse flopped lifelessly to the floor.

Itachi put away the kunai dully, before looking back up at his partner. "Ours?"

"Seemed like it." Kisame bobbed his head in a nod, smirking softly to himself.

"So, you didn't hesitate with her, but..."

"An infant isn't a teenager, Itachi, and I'd prefer we had gotten her before she was able to talk."

A few minutes passed, and both men were content to simply stare down at the body.

"So I guess Zetsu won't have to look far for food." Kisame managed to mumble, and the Uchiha flanking him nodded, dimly.


End file.
